How to support a cult-leaver. Hint: nobody thinks they’re in a cult.

One of the most regular questions I’m asked is how to best support someone leaving or considering leaving a high control group in the Australia NZ region.

I’m often approached by legal services, police, domestic and family violence support workers, health workers – asking for advice about how to speak to (or with) someone inside a ‘cult’ or high control group.

Sometimes the person / people they are supporting can identify themselves that they’re involved in a high control group, sometimes it’s the support services who’re trying to navigate that identification with them.

It’s not easy to support someone inside or on the edge of leaving a high control group. It can be delicate.  Sometimes they’re not ready to hear or accept that what they are involved in, is cult-like, coercive or controlling. Sometimes they need some space and time to digest that information.

I find that people who’re not ready to hear that, will need to sit with some examples of what might be coercive and controlling about the group they’re in, some examples of behaviours which are potentially causing them to feel uneasy, uncomfortable. Tangible examples of high control, coercive behaviours are useful to helping someone digest it. If you can list out what behaviours you’re seeing, its helpful.

No one believes themselves to be in a cult, no one joins a cult. These things happen over time, indoctrination can often happen over generations and decades. The realisation that a group is not safe, can take some time to land.

If you’re supporting a Truth/2x2/Two by Two/Friends and Workers/Fellowship survivor – you may find my first podcast episode on Truth 2x2 Cult Kids Podcast useful (see here) in understanding the group and its language and nuances. My own website here may also be useful.

If you’re supporting a Plymouth Brethren Christian church (PBCC) survivor, you may find the work of Ben Woodbury (Cultboy) on social media of use.

If you’re supporting survivors of evangelical and pentecostal high control groups – the work of Elise Heerde may be useful.

Geelong Revival Centre survivors (and other Revivalists) may find the work of Catherine and Ryan Carey useful.

(A note that not all churches are cults, not all evangelical and pentecostal groups are coercive).

I’d encourage you to search out other survivors of a group on the various social media and podcast platforms, learn about how other people who’ve left are describing the group, what common coercive behaviours they’re raising. This will help you have vocabulary to speak the same (or similar) language to the person in front of you.

People from and in high control groups have usually been taught to distrust outsiders and been groomed to believe that only the people inside the group can be trusted. It’s very important that if someone from a high control group trusts you to ask for support, that you take this seriously. It’s important that you reaffirm their trust in you, that you leave them feeling you can be trusted to help them or direct them to services, places and people who will treat them with dignity and respect.

You don’t need to be perfect, and it’s ok to stumble your way through this  - its why the work and presence of advocates like me is important, and why groups like Stop Religious Coercion, CIFS and SOCCHG exist. We are passionate about ensuring that cult leavers and survivors are well supported and treated with dignity.

You may find the group being described as a ‘group’ or a ‘church’ or a ‘meeting’ by a survivor/leaver. They may not have vocabulary to describe to you that the group is high control or coercive. Not all churches are coercive; many are safe and affirming places. However, there are high control, coercive religious groups (across all religious denominations), as well as other groups which are not religious which exhibit controlling and abusive behaviours. This can occur in wellness, coaching, business environments as well as religious environments.

It’s a good idea to use a search engine to understand more about a group when someone presents with domestic, family or community violence concerns. It’s a good idea to work out how others outside have described the group – by searching for its survivor groups. Many people deeply entrenched in a high control group, will have been told not to trust leavers, not to listen to ex-members.  

Common issues I’ve experienced with leavers

• Financial abuse/financial entanglement with a group and family, which makes leaving safely difficult.

  
  

• Spiritual and religious control to prevent someone believing they can leave – for example being told their salvation is at risk if they leave, or that they will be ‘cast out’ for being separated or divorced from a spouse.

  
  

• A risk of child removal/isolation by a family or spouse, where children are held in a community with the complying spouse, who does not allow access to the other parent (this can happen to both mothers and fathers/any gender).

  
  

• Suicide risk – people leaving or considering leaving, high control groups are usually distraught. They often believe their belonging to the group has been removed, their access to community, family, work is often conditional to belonging to the group. Often mental health care is not openly discussed in high control groups, and when it is, it is weaponised to undermine the credibility of people. This can leave people vulnerable to suicidality.

  
  

• Homelessness, housing insecurity. Often people will return to high control groups and family because there are not safe places for them to go. They find it difficult to find suitable affordable accommodation and may live for periods of time in cars and at work. They often have ‘respite’ for a few days and then return. It is important that leavers or people considering leaving, can access long term, secure housing to facilitate them leaving long-term. Advocates like myself tend to spend a lot of time with someone planning to leave, helping them save for housing bonds, rent and finding rental accommodation, before they are able to leave. Leaving can be a very long process as a result.

• Limited networks. People inside high control groups often do not have strong connections outside the group. This leaves them dependant on other members, who may not give them impartial advice. It leaves them with few people who will take them in for a few nights of couch surfing for example, or people they can trust to share problems with. The limited network leaves them quite vulnerable. For women and children, this can make them vulnerable to exploitation such as sex and drug trafficking. 

  
  

• Naivety. Many high control groups have a strong purity culture, which means women and children (in particular girls) are not taught many things about sex. They are often very naive about drugs for instance. They can easily be preyed upon by other cults/high control groups and/or fall into abusive relationships. I have found that transitional accommodation such as motels and caravan parks, can be unsuitable for people from high control communities. It puts them at risk of interactions with people they do not have the skills to navigate and puts them in danger. These transitional housing situations should be carefully monitored and managed.

  
  

• Men are also victim survivors of family and community violence in high control groups. It is unfortunate that high control groups also have been known to have women who abuse and use coercive control to ensure compliance with group norms/expectations. This can be difficult to navigate for services who are not set up to triage and help men.

If you are a family violence or domestic violence support worker, a housing officer, police liaison officer who would like to learn more about how to support and navigate survivors/members of high control groups (sometimes known as cults) please consider contacting me or the SOCCHG team for some 1:1 training or group training.

You may also reach out to me and other advocates for advice on how to best navigate situations. Most of us respond at relatively short notice and are well versed in trauma informed and survivor centred care. We are used to providing de-identified and carefully worded information which does not violate confidentiality and trust.

My contact details can be found on the contact me area, and SOCCHG here https://socchg.org

I can also be contacted and followed on LinkedIn, a one of only a few platforms available to people inside high control groups, who are told to stay off social media. Often they can access this without suspicion, should you have a client or contact who would like to gradually learn more about coercive high control groups.