Men, Boys, Masculinity - Deconstruction from High Control Groups

I recently spoke with Tristan Phipps (ex 2x2, from_fear2freedom) about men and masculinity. We spoke about the importance of love, care, vulnerability in men’s lives, about the ways that men can accept responsibility and seek out new relationships and ways of ‘being’ after leaving high control groups.

It’s an issue close to my heart, as someone who has far too many stories of men from 2x2 backgrounds who’ve chosen to use coercive control and other forms of violence/abuse in their relationships and communities.

I am also raising a boy and am passionate about finding resources on positive, healthy expressions masculinity.

Tristan talks in this episode about how his community of safe, loving men have been in his life since he was young. He emotionally shares what it was like to learn that if one of his friends said ‘I love you’ he meant it, and that he didn’t realise the significance of that until after his friend had passed away.

Tristan was bold in saying that sometimes you have to make choices about who you spend time with. You may have to alter your path in life.

You might have to leave spaces and people who’re not right for you, who perhaps aren’t expressing masculinity in a safe and respectful way. Sometimes you have to seek out new spaces and communities. I think most ex 2x2s will resonate with that, regardless of gender.

Head to the Truth 2x2 Cult Kids podcast (here on Apple and here on spotify) to listen to the conversation with Tristan.

If you see resources (books, podcasts, social media accounts – any form of content) on healthy expressions of masculinity, boys and deconstruction please send them my way.

Here are the resources which Tristan and I have at our current disposal:

NZ resources:

· Road to healing Aotearoa - Sam advocates on sexual violence and abuse, health relationships for men

· Yarnsman – a space for men to meet and talk, have deep and meaningful conversations and connections.

AU and NZ Resources:

· She is not your rehab – encourages men to confront trauma and end cycles of abuse

· Inner boy App by Matt Brown – recommended by She’s Not Your rehab, coming soon outside NZ

· Podcast: Remaking Manhood – Mark Greene. Healthy and rebuilding masculinity

Australian Resources:

· ManCave programs for men and for boys, addressing healthy connection, community and mental health. Has online and SM resources

· ManBox is an Australian study and some fact sheets about masculinity and men in Australia. Great resources to provoke conversations

· Tomorrow Man –used in some schools here in Victoria and workshops around boys and positive masculinity role models.

Books I recommend:

Books by bell hooks are a must read (or listen on audio books). In particular The Will to Change. On Men Masculinity and Love. It will change your life, guaranteed 😊

Radical Intimacy by Sophie K Roa is wonderful – if you want to improve the quality of intimacy, relationships, community care. What does it mean to have good desire, positive and caring relationships of all kinds?

Becoming Ethical by Alan Jenkins – is an academic text, recommend if you work with or spend time around men who have chosen to use abuse. Sadly, my own life and family situation means I have to navigate a lot of difficult situations which involve men with histories of choosing abuse. This book helps me navigate that. People can forget that men who have chosen to use abuse are our fathers, brothers, cousins, lovers, sons. You cant avoid it.

Substacks:

· Jeremy Mohler – on healthy relationships, sex and intimacy. Jeremy is a therapist.

· Christopher Pepper – has a book coming to Australian right now – Talk to Your Boys

Men and Parenting:

The best father I know (hi David) recommends this resource for new dads and/or solo dads, who can find parenting isolating.

Tiktok resources:

I have several tiktoks on books I recommend, which you can find here.

Tiktok on Feminist books for little boys. Also here

Tiktok on books for men in straight relationships

Men I recommend on tiktok: Chucky, Jeff Jissubi, Mikey D, Braden Hill

Footnote:

I hesitate to say this ‘thing’ in black and white. Sometimes you win more with honey. In the end, I cant ethically not say these 2 things:

1. Please be careful which kinds of masculinity pipelines you follow online. Not all of them are healthy. Anything which frames feminism as ‘the problem’ and suggests women make ‘false allegations’ is something I’d suggest you avoid. Any ‘men’s content’ which focuses on dating ‘high value women’, ‘ways to get sex’, ways to manipulate women’ is problematic in that it devalues women, encourages men to harm women and reduces them to tropes and objects. That’s not a healthy way to view women or relationships and is not promoting healthy and safe masculinity.

There is a plethora of anti LGBTQIA+ content in the ‘men’s content’ world, so please be aware of that hate pipeline too. Anti trans and gender diverse content abounds online at the moment, and its damaging, dehumanising content.

2. The porn conversation. Check out my tiktoks on this if you’re interested in this topic. I’m sex and porn positive, but being considered about the porn and sex content is important.

Pay for it, consume it ethically, be aware of the safety of the performer and question the kinds of content you’re consuming - is it being performed in a dehumanising way? Is it supplementing your intimacy, or is it all-consuming? Seek out ethical porn.

Again, see my tiktoks. This is a BIG conversation. Addictions can be common in trauma survivors and in my experience it is common for dissociation in cult survivors to manifest in gambling and porn addictions in men.

This piece is also published on substack, in a brand new newsletter for Truth 2x2 Cult Kids - which you can subscribe to here.